When Jennifer Birstein began her freshman year at El Camino Real Charter High School in Woodland Hills, she carried the secret burden of having a mother who had been in and out of prison since Birstein was 3 years old.
The weight of that emotional trauma often manifested itself in “lashing out,” she admitted.
“I wouldn’t listen to [my teachers] – I would yell and talk back to them,” recalled Birstein, who is now 23. “I really didn’t see any reason to respect any of my teachers, because nobody in my life had really taught me that respect and discipline. No shade to my father – he was honestly doing the best he could at the time – [but] I feel I really needed a mother’s guidance.”
Unfortunately, for most of Birstein’s life, her mother had struggled with addiction and been behind bars in Texas. She only saw her mom once or twice a year, on family trips to Texas.
When Birstein was in 11th grade, one of her teachers told her about a new student group called POPS (Pain of the Prison System) the Club – for teens like herself, with a parent or close family member who was incarcerated. Birstein said she knew right away “this club was for me.”
“It was the first time I ever opened up and told people about my situation [and] it allowed me to really express myself for the first time,” she told the San Fernando Valley Sun/el Sol, adding that being in the club made her and fellow classmates realize “we weren’t alone with our trauma.”
The Origin and Purpose of POPS
In the U.S., one in 14 children has or has had a parent in prison – totaling an estimated 5.1 million kids, according to “A Shared Sentence,” a report by the Annie E. Casey Foundation. Other key findings: Having an incarcerated parent is an emotional trauma comparable to experiencing abuse or domestic violence, with potential long-term impacts on a child’s mental health (including anxiety or depression), and puts them at greater risk of dropping out of school.
Author and criminal justice activist Amy Friedman has firsthand knowledge of the devastating effects of incarceration on kids. Three decades ago, while working as a newspaper columnist, Friedman visited several prisons to interview people for a series about the prison system. That’s how the unexpected happened – she met, fell in love with and ended up marrying an inmate, a man who was serving time for murder. He was also a father, with two daughters.
“The girls were 8 and 13 when they came into my life and they moved in with me,” recounted Friedman. “They had already experienced so much stigma in their lives from the experience of having a father who was incarcerated, that they had learned … to become the world’s best liars.”
They lied – about who they were, and where they came from – to avoid being “tarred and feathered” when people found out about their father and the crime he committed, explained Friedman.
“It just made me so sad and sick to see how they carried around these lies,” she recalled.
Although Friedman and her husband ended up divorcing after seven-and-a-half years, “the girls and I never never divorced – they are my daughters to this day,” said Friedman.
“They are all grown up, [but] still walk around with the burden of that experience,” she said.
As Friedman moved on to the next chapter of her life – including meeting and marrying her current husband, writer and educator Dennis Danziger – she carried the heavy memories of parenting daughters who dealt with the trauma and repercussions of having a dad in prison. In 2013, the couple decided to start a club at Venice High School (where Danziger was teaching at the time) to offer a safe space where teens with incarcerated parents can share (or quietly listen to) their experiences in community with other students who are facing similar challenges.
The club’s name – POPS – “reflects the pain of their experience [with the prison system], but also reflects the joy and the positive feelings found in the clubs themselves,” said Friedman.
There are currently nearly 20 POPS clubs at schools across four states – California, New York, Georgia and Oregon. Unfortunately, due to the impact of COVID-19, several groups lost students after being forced to meet exclusively online at the height of the pandemic. As a result, some groups ended up being permanently shuttered.
Friedman said they hope to expand to more schools via the Pathfinder Network, the nonprofit arm that manages and operates POPS the Club. In the Los Angeles area, there are a total of six clubs: in Woodland Hills and Venice, as well as LA High School of the Arts in Koreatown, New Village Girls Academy in Rampart Village, Lawndale High School and at Culver City High.
“There seems to be a need in every type of neighborhood,” said Friedman.
There Are Others Like You
James DeLarme, a social studies teacher at El Camino Real, has been the faculty sponsor for POPS since 2016. He said the weekly lunch group typically has a positive atmosphere, with about 20 students of diverse ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds from various school cliques.
“I’ve seen students become friends who might not interact with each other ordinarily,” said DeLarme. “The biggest thing this club gives everyone who comes is not feeling alone.”
Healing Via Sharing and Creative Expression
Kimberly Romero, a 17-year-old junior at El Camino Real, said POPS has been a lifeline to creating new friendships and beginning the healing process by sharing her story with others. She grew up without a father, who was largely absent from her life since she was four – because he was either in prison, in hiding or on the run. He was eventually deported to El Salvador.
Although Romero said she accepted early on that her dad simply wasn’t part of her life, his perpetual absence combined with her mother’s later breast cancer diagnosis and the fear and struggle it took to get into remission led her to act out in self-sabotaging ways.
“I was smoking really heavily and I wasn’t doing any of my work,” said Romero. “I just didn’t want to go to school and my grades were really dropping, especially in Mr. DeLarme’s class.”
Luckily, she said, her teacher saw what was happening and invited her to attend a POPS meeting.
“At the first meeting, there was a writing activity and [right] off the bat I realized, ‘Wow, this is something I really love,’” she said. “Writing just lets me block out everything else in my life and focus.”
Romero and Birstein both said they especially enjoy the club’s emphasis on creative expression – writing essays and poetry, and creating artwork – as an outlet for releasing their true feelings.
“POPS brought up the emotions I was trying to repress about my mom. It opened my eyes [to the fact] that I was angry, that I was sad – that I did want my mom to be with me,” recalled Birstein. “Writing about my mom really helped heal me – and sharing about her with others really helped me because it made me realize that I am not alone in this situation.”
Birstein, who is currently pursuing a career as an aesthetician, sometimes goes to POPS meetings as a guest speaker to talk about her experiences. After sharing a poem about her mom at Venice High School, a girl went up to Birstein and said her poetry had inspired her to forgive her father.
“My main message to the students is that we’re all human – we’re all broken and hurting,” said Birstein, “but we all deserve grace [and] I want them to know everything is going to be OK.”
Next month, the Pathfinder Network will release an anthology book with art and writings by over 70 current POPS members. Titled “Advice to 9th Graders: Stories, Poetry, Art and Other Wisdom,” the book will offer insights and advice for younger or incoming group members.