The month of February is all about romance, hearts and flowers and all about love. The American Heart Association at this time of year also sends out tips for keeping a healthy ticker. But unknown to most, this month is also designated as National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.
Dating violence is prevalent among teens. One in three adolescents in the United States is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner.
Denise Ibarra (the name she wished to use), 19, said what began as pushing on her arm by her boyfriend when he wanted to make a point during their conversation, she thought was just “his way … a habit he had … he didn’t mean anything by it.”
But, she saw that would change. “I’m much smaller than he is and the nudges got stronger and sometimes he nearly pushed me off my chair when we were at the table just having dinner,” she said. “When I asked him not to do it, he would mock me or get angry if I said something or didn’t agree with him. His eyes would get black.” The teen college student said her boyfriend later started to grab her arm and stood in the doorway preventing her from going out with her friends.
“He started to hit me, and I tried fighting him back, but couldn’t.” Ibarra said she felt too embarrassed to tell her friends or family who all thought he was “a funny, great guy.” It was a college counselor who urged her to get away. “He begged me and said he was sorry and would never do it again, but he did,” said Ibarra, who said it confused her because she loved him and it always felt good when he hugged her afterward. “He even got on his knees and cried.”
Recognizing the Signs
Dating violence, also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), can come in different forms – from sexual and physical violence to stalking and psychological abuse – and can occur in person, online or through phones. And this occurs to millions of teens who are, for the first time, exploring romance and what it’s like to be in a relationship.
Teen dating violence can have a profoundly negative impact on self-esteem and overall well-being, and has the potential to start unhealthy relationship patterns – for both the victim and the perpetrator, said Gwendolynne Cole, executive director of the North LA County CARES Mentoring Movement, which provides mentoring programs for teens at LA-area high schools, faith-based youth groups, Boys and Girls Clubs, juvenile detentions centers and more.
Cole emphasized the importance of recognizing the warning signs of abusive or potentially abusive relationships – for those involved in partnerships and for their loved ones. She said signs of abusive behavior can include extreme jealousy or controlling behavior; insulting or demeaning comments; moodiness or angry outbursts; isolating the partner from friends and family; or constantly monitoring the partner’s location or social media activity.
Data collected in a 2022 report by the U.S. Department of Justice’s Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention found that among teens that were surveyed, 65.5% reported they were psychologically abused, 48% were stalked or harassed, 8.2% were forced to perform a sexual act and another 8.2% reported being physically hurt by their partner.
The percentages of teen victims of sexual and physical abuse were higher among LGBTQ+ youth, 16.4% and 13.1% respectively. As teens grow and discover who they are, it can affect their self-esteem if they feel ambivalent about falling outside the “heterosexual norm” in society – especially if they don’t have a positive or accepting home environment where they openly share their identity, said Dr. Dana S. Grekin, a clinical social worker at Cedars Sinai and lecturer in Child and Adolescent Development at California State University, Northridge (CSUN).
“When you’re trying to find your own identity [as an LGBTQ+ teen] and trying to find like-minded individuals, some will prey on that vulnerability,” said Grekin.
The consequences of IPV – which is considered an “adverse childhood experience” for teens, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention – can have both short- and long-term effects on adolescents. Victims are at a higher risk for depression, anxiety, substance use, antisocial behaviors, eating disorders, further domestic violence and suicide.
Teens May Not Understand the Signs
One of the problems that comes with recognizing teen dating violence, however, is that some teenagers may not be able to understand the signs properly. Jessica Romo is the associate director of the prevention and advocacy programs at Strength United – a chartered center through CSUN’s College of Education that provides case management, counseling and crisis intervention for survivors of different kinds of trauma.
Romo recalled when she was giving a presentation eight years ago about dating violence to a group of high school girls. She put them through an exercise and asked if they shut off their phones and didn’t respond to their partner’s messages, would their partner show concern or threaten them and accuse them of cheating?
What Romo learned was that the students carried misconceptions about relationships, believing that jealousy was a good thing, and had to show them the difference between a partner who cares versus one who is controlling.
“Engaging with young people is really what we do now, so we do immersive youth leadership work that [centers] all around healthy relationships, even starting with middle schoolers,” Romo said. “We’ve had people say, ‘Well what do you mean? Middle schoolers are in relationships?’ Yeah, they are. Even if they’re not, why don’t we teach them how to engage in healthy relationships or healthy interactions prior to dating.”
Dating violence among teens can have its roots in the home environment they were exposed to while growing up, said Grekin. If they witness psychological or physical abuse, they may unknowingly begin to model that behavior in their dating relationships as teens or adults.
“It can stem from intergenerational trauma … depending on how they saw their parents’ relationship – or the [behavior] demonstrated by their grandparents or cousins or other family members,” she said, adding they not only learn to mimic how they act as partners but also what they accept from their partners. “It has a huge impact on the type of relationship they will seek and the [type of] partner they will be, almost mirroring their child-rearing environment.”
Cole added that victims who have been traumatized need help to understand their worth and “build themselves back up.” One of the tools the mentoring program utilizes is a “tree exercise” to help teens visualize the “branches” of their communities, to identify the people they can turn to if they ever find themselves in difficult or dangerous situations, including dating violence.
“Everyone has somebody who cares about them – even if they are a teen in foster care or a sick kid in the hospital, there is always someone they can turn to for support, whether it’s their foster family, a nurse in the hospital or a counselor at school,” said Cole. “Kids need to realize they can turn to others for advice or guidance, to push towards what they need to help themselves.”
Prevention of teen dating violence, however, is not something that can be addressed in one or two meetings. Melodie Kruspodin – a prevention specialist with the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, a coalition of survivors, advocates, organizations and allies across the state – said there has to be a long-term strategy to teach adolescents what it means to be in a healthy relationship, including proper communication, compromise, commitment and being respectful.
However, to have those strategies in place, Kruspodin explained, there has to be funding to implement them.
“There’s research showing that prevention is far less expensive than intervention because when we think about intervention, we’re thinking … of things like medical costs, legal fees [and] mental health costs, and prevention is far less expensive when we’re getting out ahead of the issue in the first place,” Kruspodin said. “It’s really important that it leads to advocacy, especially towards our legislators and the state budget, to say that money really needs to be allocated to fund these prevention programs so that they can create this change in their communities.”
In situations where parents, friends, loved ones or educators are trying to help a teen who is unable to extricate themselves from an abusive or violent dating relationship – and unwilling to accept help from others – Grekin suggests simply making sure they know they are supported.
“Just opening that door and leaving it open can work wonders,” she said.
For a list of domestic violence organizations in the Los Angeles area, including Strength United, go to www.cpedv.org/los-angeles-region.
For services from the San Fernando Valley Community Mental Health Center, call (818) 901-4830.
To call the LA County Domestic Violence Hotline, available 24/7, dial (800) 978-3600.
For more information about teen dating violence, go to: www.nationalsafeplace.org/teen-dating-violence or www.dosomething.org/facts/11-facts-about-teen-dating-violence.